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The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 124 transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 23 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'll be thrilled to do the show with all of you guys this evening." Scooter: "It's Sesame Street week and you got visitors showing up." Ernie, Bert, Elmo, Grover, Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Count Von Count, Farley, Mr. Johnson, Forgetful Jones, Don Music, Placido Flamingo, Gladys, Telly, Baby Bear, Curly Bear, Zoe, Prairie Dawn, Wolfgang, Herry, Snuffy, Guy Smiley, Hoots, Sonny Friendly, Abby, Rosita, Julia and Rudy show up in the Guest Star's dressing room. Abby: "Wow, this is super exciting!" Julia: "Exciting, exciting, exciting!" Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo.......... Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Bill Hader and all the way from Sesame Street, Elmo, Big Bird, Grover and the entire gang, yaaaaaaaay!" [The All-New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background] Rowlf: On Piano Keys Music In Background Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music it's time to light the lights it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up it's time to dress up right it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight Waldorf: why do we always come here Statler: I guess we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational inspirational celebrational Muppetational this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show Of Rubber Ducky Squeaking Ernie: "Oh, Rubber Ducky, I was wondering where you were out there." Ernie grabs Rubber Ducky right off Gonzo's bugle. Scene 1: Onstage Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, that's exactly right, it's a super special night, 'cause our special guest star is the super talented, Mr. (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, we have an opening musical number." Rowlf: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, we have good friends from Sesame Street visitin'." Kermit: "Good, Rowlf, very good, so anyways, here's the opening musical number." Opening musical number: Goodbye Fly In Background Ernie: A fly flew on my toe a fly flew on my toe it flew on my toe and I wanted it to go oh goodbye fly fly listen to my song goodbye fly fly back where you belong Continues In Background Zoe: a fly flew on my knee a fly flew on my knee it flew on my knee I was mad as can be Ernie: it flew on my toe and I wanted it to go oh Ernie and Zoe: goodbye fly fly listen to my song goodbye fly fly back where you belong Continues In Background Herry: a fly flew on my thigh a fly flew on my thigh it flew on my thigh and I wanted to cry Zoe: it flew on my knee I was mad as can be Ernie: it flew on my toe '' ''and I wanted it to go oh Ernie, Zoe and Herry: goodbye fly fly listen to my song goodbye fly fly back where you belong Continues In Background Count Von Count: a fly flew on my chest a fly flew on my chest it flew on my chest '' ''and it wasn't the best Herry: it flew on my thigh and I wanted to cry Zoe: it flew on my knee '' ''I was mad as can be Ernie: it flew on my toe and I wanted it to go oh Ernie, Zoe, Herry and Count Von Count: goodbye fly fly listen to my song goodbye fly fly back where you belong Continues In Background Sonny Friendly: a fly flew on my nose a fly flew on my nose it flew on my nose that's the worst I suppose Count Von Count: it flew on my chest and it wasn't the best Herry: it flew on my thigh and I wanted to cry Zoe: it flew on my knee '' ''I was mad as can be Ernie: it flew on my toe '' ''and I wanted it to go oh Ernie, Zoe, Herry, Count Von Count and Sonny Friendly: goodbye fly fly listen to my song goodbye fly fly back where you belong Continues In Background Miss Piggy: a fly flew in my hair a fly flew in my hair it flew in my hair '' ''and it just wasn't fair Sonny Friendly: it flew on my nose that's the worst I suppose Count Von Count: it flew on my chest and it wasn't the best Herry: it flew on my thigh and I wanted to cry Zoe: it flew on my knee I was mad as can be Ernie: it flew on my toe and I wanted it to go oh Ernie, Zoe, Herry, Count Von Count, Sonny Friendly and Miss Piggy: goodbye fly fly listen to my song goodbye fly fly back where you belong goodbye fly fly back where you belong...... Ends Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony........ Waldorf: "I got rid of a lot of house flies by using a super big fly swatter." Statler: "And I exterminated pesky cockroaches myself." Waldorf: "Get rid of pesky insects!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage...... Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody." Bear on Patrol sketch number: Stealing a cookie jar from the display window Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, come this way, here we go, perfect." Cookie Monster: "Me never did anything wrong, me swear." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What seems to be the trouble, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This blue monster's been caught stealing a cookie jar from the display window." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "I see, tell me your name, please." Cookie Monster: "Me Cookie Monster, not Veggie Monster, me innocent, me have self control, me never steal cookie jar from display window." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Cookie Monster's name written on here. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Cookie Monster, it looks like you're innocent after all, you can let him go now, Patrol Bear." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob, sir." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....... Statler: "Cookie Monster sure likes eating almost everything." Waldorf: "He's sure got a stomach of steel." Statler: "Let's just hope he doesn't gas himself up!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again.......... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pig in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: Dart-Gun 300 Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek." Link Hogthrob: "It sure gets boring around here." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "It's another day of Dr. Strangepork's crazy inventions." Dr. Strangepork: "Check out my new invention, you guys? it's the Dart-Gun 300." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What exactly does it do, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "It shoots out darts to knock out space monsters." Link Hogthrob: "Good thing we never see any of those in our entire lives." Sirens Wailing Loudly Guest Star/Commander Ozker: "This is Commander Ozker reporting from the space program, a space monster has just arrived, I repeat, a space monster has just arrived, you must defend yourselves right away." Dr. Strangepork: "Alright, everybody, you heard what Commander Ozker just said, a space monster has just arrived, we must defend ourselves right away." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Oh look, here comes the space monster right now!" Fozzie/Space Monster; "RAAAAAAAAAHR!" Dr. Strangepork: "Stand back, everybody, I know just what to do with him." Dr. Strangepork shoots a knock out dart at Fozzie/the space monster which knocks him out a bit. Dr. Strangepork: "And that gets rid of the evil nasty space monster." Link Hogthrob: "Thank goodness." Announcer: "Will Link Hogthrob ever keep his lunches packed? does Dr. Strangepork always concentrate on his hard work? will 1st Mate Piggy ever stay awake? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace. Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..... Waldorf: "I sure hope no space monsters come and take me away." Statler: "And I sure hope I don't get hit in the chest by an asteroid." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again ''The Swedish Chef'' sketch number: Ultimate Tuna Fish Burger Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born ''' ''der ritt de gitt der gue'' ''orn desh dee '' ''born'' ''desh de umn'' ''bork, bork, bork'' Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-are-a meking zee ulteemete-a toona feesh borger, yoomy guud, yoo bet." Swedish Chef: "Furst get oot a hemborger rull." The Swedish Chef gets out a hamburger roll. Swedish Chef: "Next, oopee oone cun oof toona feesh." The Swedish Chef opens 1 can of tuna fish with his can opener and drains the tuna water out and puts the tuna fish right into the little bowl. Swedish Chef: "Poot in a leettle beet oof meyunneeese und meex it ell up." The Swedish Chef puts in a little bit of miracle whip and mixes it all up and puts the tuna fish on the bottom hamburger roll and puts the top hamburger roll on the tuna fish part. Swedish Chef: "Und zeere ve hefe it, zee ulteemete toona feesh borger." Talking Tuna Fish Burger: "Hey, you, you'd better clam up back there." Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Statler: "I once went fishing for a super big swordfish." Waldorf: "I went lobster catching myself." Statler: "Tell that to the 7 seas below!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again....... Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Count Von Count as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack whose gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so when I was walkin' around all the way home from the grocery store, I noticed a gingerbread house and 2 little gingerbread kids were sayin' and I quote: Run, run, run as fast as you can, you can't get us, we're gingerbread kids." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, like, you and your gingerbread jokes." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, who's the patient this time?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, Nurse Piggy, ''observe'' and ''watch''." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Count Von Count as their patient. Count Von Count: "1, pain, 2 pains, 3 pains, ah, ah, ouch." Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh wow, like, what happened to you, Count Von Count?" Count Von Count: "I was doing my aerobic exercises and counting them at the exact same time when suddenly I got aches and pains in my arms and elbows." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Count Von Count, that's you all over." Announcer: "Will Nurse Piggy ever get her picture cover on a magazine? does Nurse Janice know how to keep up the good work? will Dr. Bob stay in touch with his patients? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-" Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So, Dr. Bob, is there any word of advice for this patient?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Piggy, I think he just needs to take some pills for that Charlie Horse in his arms and elbows." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Waldorf: "Count Von Count has counted so many aches and pains in his arms and elbows." Statler: "Count Von Count should count his pain killer pills." Waldorf: "He takes them ''twice'' a ''day'' and ''night'''!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again ''Muppet News Flash: A swarm of killer bees Newsman (off screen): "Here's a Muppet News Flash." The Newsman sits right at his desk. Newsman: "A swarm of killer bees have just broken outta their beehive and are on the loose, hopefully none of them will fly right in there to try to sting me." Suddenly a swarm of killer bees come flying right into the Newsman's office and the Newsman ducks right down underneath his desk to avoid being stung by them. Newsman: (from underneath his desk) "I think I spoke way too soon about it." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.......... Statler: "I avoided getting stung by killer bees in my entire life." Waldorf: :"And I avoided getting stung by scorpions." Statler: "Watch out for the stingers!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again......... Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody." Muppet Labs sketch number: The Hypno-Matic 800 Ticking [Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background] Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." (Brief pause) Bunsen: "That's exactly right, we're testing out our new invention: the Hypno-Matic 800." (Another brief pause) Bunsen: "Have you ever wished you could hypnotize a certain somebody? well, the Hypno-Matic 800 is the solution to do it, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate (he looks right over to where Beaker is standing.) come right over here, Beaker." Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee." Beaker walks right over to where Bunsen is standing. Bunsen: "Okay, Beaker, I'm gonna flip the switch and you'll be hypnotized." Bunsen flips the swtich and Beaker's now hypnotized. Bunsen: "Now, Beaker, when I snap my fingers, you'll be a disco dancing man." Bunsen: Fingers Beaker's now hypnotized into a disco dancing man and is now disco dancing all over the place. Beaker: "Mee! mo! mee! mo! mee!" Bunsen: "Well that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again......... Statler: "I used to be hypnotized into thinking I was cutting the grass and mowing the lawn." Waldorf: "And I used to be hypnotized into thinking I was plowing the super big snowy fields." Statler: "The power of a circus act!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit onstage again......... Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's Ernie, Bert, Grover, Big Bird, Count Von Count, Herry and Cookie Monster for the closing musical number." Closing musical number: I Don't Wanna Live on the Moon Category:The All-New Muppet Show season 1 transcripts